stuff like this always happens when it rains
i keep thinking fuck i wish i never let myself be known i wish i never got online i wish that no one ever knew me but it’s more like i actually concretely regret something for the first time in my entire life and i have no clue how to cope with that! i don’t truly wish no one ever knew me i have people in my life that love me i have friends even though i pathetically try to keep a distance it’s just. okay. what is it that you really wish for then if not that. i’m thinking can we pretend nothing ever happened? pretend i never said anything? can you not think about how you know me now and hold onto the version that was a just a stranger to you?
i didn’t even know it was possible for someone to like a me who’s not even really me that much and now i feel even worse with proof that’s true and i want to go back there i wish everyone could love me forever without really knowing me. the part that hurts is that everything went to shit as soon as it got real so then what am i even supposed to do like i really never want to think about that again.course i don’t know how people truly feel but im just lame as fuck and all these other sad qualities it’s possible for someone to just look over and ignore but now it’s all there and i’m pathetic.ok not pathetic just worse! just a worse version of me! i like the one that people think i am and i mostly really just super want realllyyyy want for when i get close or start being me with no inhibitions for you to think ahh i like this better now,and not be comparing the two mes in your mind. It’s just one and i should be able to have love for that one me right?
ughhhh. i keep worrying about this stuff and it’s like you need to just breathe and exist but i can’t even control what people think, even if i exist there’s so many different versions of myself what then?????whatever. fuck man maybe just accept i am all of them at once. but never in my life ever again do i want to be told by someone that im not myself or they know me better or whatever bc that’s never true IM the one who knows who i am don’t try and take that away from me its the only reason this shit even gets under my skin i think all the time it’s not real i can only trust myself why bother at all really ik i can be happy alone but im happiest when im with everyone, im happiest talking to people and i need to levy that risk of being misinterpreted to the joy of being known.
Because being known is.being loved in itself and. it’s okay. i regret it all. let’s go back to 2022 one more chance before this year slips me by forever give me one more to redo it. i’m sorry for everything and i know that no matter how much i want it to be different i would make the same choices it would always never be my fault and here i would end up.