month 9
it's interesting to look back at the previous 2 years retrospectives cuz so much changed with me and changed in general now im like wow how did i write either of those? or well i know how. but i dont feeellll how anymore..like im on the other side of things. idk. i still see in my head visions of my legs gashed open and i dont think That will ever go away but im not gashing my legs (EVEN THOUGH I REALLY WANT TO) and im not feeling.it. im not really feeling anything...but thats still better than feeling bad ? its like im going to need to make these compromises for the rest of my life! like oh im not hurting myself but i still smoke,or oh im not suicidal but im not HAPPY. maybe i should just file that away as some lofty goal i will never reach LOL. it doesn't matter as long as i can function though and god fuck i keep thinking hey you don't feel as bad!!! you don't feel bad and now there's nothing left of you!!!!!!! there's nothing!! and yearning for the level of FEELING that i had before but i knowww it was so bad, like i was on here talking crazy cuz fuck it was fucking bad but i still want it back. Like existing as the full me feels FEEEELLSSSSSSSSSSSS BETTERRR. Even tho its worse its better. but i'll give this medication a longer shot in case i do start feeling happy! maybe it is true im learning how to live as a person like showering and going out and eating 3 meals. Like its ok to be ok or whatever but hahahaha it wont ever feel the same. God. i miss that stupid ache!!!!!!! oh and i wish people would stop coming back to me!! although im very guilty of coming back to people lollll don't do it with me okay!?? IDK. im tired of being empty. i dont even know if i liked it before even tho it wasn't good maybe i still liked it because it was something i really knew! and i dont know this me at all right now.... whatever . I am doing better even though i dont know how to feel better and thats what.matters . and maybe this year even though it was qualitatively the worst year ever maybe it can still be a good year