i wish
you thought about me i wish you wanted to talk to me i wish you'd message me first i wish you'd reply right as soon as i sent something i wish i wouldn't have to spend every single fucking day wondering how you are wondering if you think about me wondering if im in your head as much as you're in mine (i know im not) i wish that my good days could stay good and not immediately become shit as soon as i realize it was another day without you talking to me. without you in general. and it feels so fucking miserable to depend on you to have my feelings and everything and my life and my days and my hours depend on you because sometimes i really think that i can do it like i can go my whole life without thinking about you, talking to you, one sided conversations in my head, seeing random shit online and then you come to the forefront of my mind once again, sometimes i think i could move on and then suddenly you manage to respond or send me something and i wake up and i see you in my notifs and i get so happy i know for a fact that i will be beholden to this feeling for eternity. and what's more is that i know you don't care and you will never care and everything i do for you means nothing or at least not nearly as much as it does to me, like im always playing some idiotic fucking game trying every single thing in the book to make you care about me as much as i care about you as much as i hurt myself over you and all that crap, and it never works, but i'm stupid and i'm obsessed i can't say i even really love you cuz i know this isn't love now. i know exactly what it is. i know that i am addicted to the feeling of being wanted by you. i thought it could be anyone but the more people i surround myself with it becomes all the more clear that nothing in the whole entire whole wide fucking world could come close to how it feels for you to give me even the slightest most minuscule piece of attention once in a blue moon. whatever. i'm never going to be free