love in the time of cholera
i’m thinking i really need to rewatch fleabag and ouuughh my stomach just had a deep intense pain maybe that’s a sign i should just go to sleep it is 3am! but anyways. I keep thinking about what she said, “i don’t know what to do with my love for her. i don’t know where to put it” and ignoring how boo says she’ll take it which is insane because?!! ohh my god. but. i wonder too what to do with love? or where does it go? god i keep thinking, okay, for my thesis the idea is that it stays and it’s preserved 4ever. And there’s things that are vessels for love in a sense but i think i really need quantification….. like physical actual quantification and i need to know everything in a kind of tangible amount. like oh there’s this or and oh i love you this much so this is what i’ll do for you or time spent or things bought, and if it’s not through that then what is it? like fleabag was in this insane torture cycle right. I think. god. and i’m watching s4 of sex education whcih i hate and love at the same time and that’s just crazy because maybe love reallg can just stay in people for such a long time and i feel a little less fucking absurd for clinging to shit right.. it also like kind of begs the questionlike ok me doing too much is just my love! that’s all it is!!! and i’m kind of just fucking wallowing in it .Where’s that tweet, all the love i’ve given you is yours to keep, yeah man that’s life.!!! It turns into this thing like after a point are you wallowing in it or are you drowning in it?like that’s really a point u can get to…. fuuck and it’s like.. what else do you even fucking have man like if not this then what? then everything just dissipates and flows into the world. what did i read today.. ohhh louise glück passed away. i have been really close to crying the whole entire day and thinking about that also brought me close i really don’t cry a lot but i keep thinking about the idea of literally drowning in love and so yeah hold on here it is
HESITATE TO CALL
by louise glück
Lived to see you throwing
Me aside. That fought
Like netted fish inside me. Saw you
throbbing In my syrups. Saw you sleep.
And lived to see That all flushed down
The refuse. Done?
It lives in me.
You live in me. Malignant.
Love, you ever want me, don't.