260426
it's impressive i got this far considered what was happening around this time last year but it doesn't really feel like an accomplishment. i'm tired of pretending like things are better for me because they don't feel better and i think im doomed to feel the same way all the time. being miserable... ive been reading the chelsea whistle and playing league and ruminating on why im allergic to feeling happy. if [] can do it why can't i? if everyone else can put aside their baggage and just enjoy life for what it is why do i feel so bad. you know i really had an enlightening moment last week thinking about my art and improving and applying to jobs. i thought wow i finally have a reason to live and a purpose and something to work on and i wanted to improve so bad it's like i was overcome..with something higher than myself. more important than my will to die. i even wanted to throw out my blades but i was scared to do something so final. two days later i imagined that my friends hated me, that id be alone forever, that im a miserable useless piece of garbage doomed to misery for the rest of my life because i just fucking hate everyone and everything for some inexplicable reason, and ended up cutting myself in the bathroom as per usual. which is bad just because it's summer and i know i can make shorts and tights look good this is why i have cute patterned tights but damn. i really thought maybe i was getting somewhere and it turns out i was getting nowhere at all.
ive thought a lot about all the people i want to apologize to or talk to and all the things ive done that warrant an apology. it's not that i regret anything it's just this all encompassing shame for existing and polluting the world with myself and wow even as i type this out i think it is really pathetic because well nothing is that deep? i always find it really annoying when depressed people go around just being like haha my life sucks everything sucks ill never be happy blah blah blah. even tho thats all i do... and its weird because now we're at the point where ive had this blog for four years. whenever theres a long gap between posting and not posting it's because my life is actually not bad, or im just not reading a book or anything so im not thinking much in words. i really like the chelsea whistle. the prose reminds me of my own stream of consciousness and it makes me want to write a book myself. i don't know what i really wanted this entry to be about. i don't know what i have to do to start enjoying things or enjoying life or literally fucking anything because i feel like i have seen so many people around me either cope or heal and i just can't. i think about everyone that has ever hurt me and i get so angry i dont even know what to do with it, like fuck man you're the reason i can't be NORMAL!!!! and then it's still my fault for caring... hahahaha. you know i feel like i am trying hard to make it all worth it and make living worth it. but no matter what i do shit just keeps happening. i get that life is just a big cycle of things happening but i really wish that i could chill out and not have anything happen to me for a while. even when things don't Happen happen, like trauma happen, it's small stuff that i count as a happening cuz im sensitive and fucked up and suddenly it feels like i'll never be able to part with my blade for the rest of my entire fucking life. i hate that in order to feel better i can't get rid of all the bad things i just have to find some way to live with it and that really fucking blows because it doesn't exactly get easier with my stupid big heart and my stupid mind and everything and my stupid fucking sick useless body.
messages
1.before i start i feel like i should mention that [] isn't one person or another rather it's redacted for the sake of anonymity and i talk about someone else each time depending. anyways. i'm sorry that i was such a dick about []. because really it's your life and if i get mad about that then you should be allowed to get mad when i []. it feels like we're in this cycle of doing things and caring too much and manipulating and enmeshing and i really don't like it, like sometimes i think that the only way i can be free of it is to not be friends with you anymore, even though i love you so so so so so much. i love you so much that it really hurts me when you do these things cuz i know you don't want to get better and it's selfish of me to want you to get better for my sake. but really it comes down to me wanting anyone to care about me enough to change for me. like i'm always an accessory after the fact and never anyone's reason to get better. i wish i mattered enough to you that you'd consider this when u []. but it's not like anyone else does. i mean think about me. and how i feel. it's different when i do things like that because i have a fucking handle on it and that feels shitty to say but i don't know.. i don't know what to do at all and i do want to say all of this to you but idk when. i'm coming back home so maybe i can do it then.
2.for a long time when we were still close i remember feeling so overwhelmed with your feelings for me and how important i was to you and your constant attention, and it felt so good to know that someone liked me that much when everyone else was on their way to killing themselves as if they did not care about me at all. and sure we were both killing ourselves but it wasn't really either of our issues you know like it was a seperate affair of understanding that both our situations were bad enough and unchangeable enough that nothing could be done. kind of like we could only exist together and that was that. at the same time i hated it,you know, crossroads and such, is it so awful to wish to be a normal human being? all that bullshit. when u stopped talking to me it really hurt and then we actually finally talked and i realized that this was all in the past. i've basically moved on but it's weird because for a long time i was SO FUCKING SURE we would be friends forever and that's why i do all this penpal bullshit i do it with many people just to kind of try and immortalize our friendship. eventually the letters stop coming (or in []'s case they don't and i like very badly want [] to fuck off for once) and then i just have what was left of the relationship to ponder over and reminisce about i guess... idk!!! idk idk idk. now that i know the old version of u doesn't exist anymore i can really let go. it's just fucking weird man. i think about this with many people not just you. about how the version of myself that existed for the friendship is gone and so is the version of anyone else cuz we're like constantly changing... but it doesn't hurt less really. even when i watch old videos of [] [] [] i can HEAR [] being a fucking asshole to me but i still really miss it and i remember randomly after watching them that there was a time when me and [] would talk every day. i'd call [] even just walking home so that id have someone to fucking talk to. and then that stupid trip. which ended up being amazing but by then it was already over. i don't want it back, i miss it but i don't want it back, just like.. missing it in the sense of "missing" as "loss" as grief. that bullshit about grief being love persisting, yk.... it's weird to be writing these TO someone. usually when i talk about people from my life it's mentioning them not addressing to them bc i never ever consider that someone could read this. lmao.
3.(two parts,written two months apart: a safe girl to love)
200126 suddenly, reading my book on this bus i realized that i had no idea what i was doing or where i was going. it was like i came back into my body all at once and i was just going to new york. it didn't feel like i was going home. like i had dragged my body through the mud on this grand escape route and now i was just processing what i was actually doing. sometimes i want to ask her to stop saying those things to me because if she keeps going i'll think she actually wants to have sex with me, which can't be true, and it's fine that she's a pervert she just can't tell me this stuff because i am a really broken fucked up person and i have never had sex! but if i asked her that, do you want to have sex with me? and she said yes. i don't know what would happen. there's no way any of this would happen. she always comes up with some convoluted thing when i only want someone to fuck me. i think of many different people when i try to get myself off,sometimes i think of him and i imagine how he looks under his clothes and if he'd kiss my back. or how he'd react when i start crying or gagging or vomiting or if i kick him away because im scared. and i'll never really know any of these things. my friends keep saying i need to just get drunk with him, it could even be her, but i need to just get drunk and really tease out his true feelings. Which is like kind of dubcon but i could never ask him this stuff sober. i cant do most stuff sober. i cant do anything. when i bought that vibrator i thought it would fix something in me because like maybe it's a technique issue but it's really a me issue. i can't really get off and think of sex normally because nothing is normal to me and it's always like oh this fantasy is getting to the point where, i'm a real person, and im going to fucking cry if this keeps going on, and it's going to suck forever. so i just stop and i don't even try to keep going. whatever. i guess i talk a lot about this stuff but its really the same every time.. the same feeling. and things didn't work out with [] because i got scared. i don't want a life partner it was just scary. my desires are actually really simple, i want someone to fuck me hard, like seriously i mean it, like no romance or anything i just want someone to fuck me into the mattress or against the wall or on the floor. and preferably it's him. she probably wouldn't top me so it can't be her. i haven't felt so attracted to someone in a long time but i know it's only because he is nice to me. isn't that a low bar? hey just don't hit me ? don't hit me and i'll fall in love with you? sure man. whatever.
200326 yeeooooooo bro i just need to tell u ur so cute and i love you so much and e very time we hang out im like wow you're so beautiful and i like you so so much and it's so scary because im like woah is it crazy to think this way but im legit aromantic and i know u don't feel that way i just wanted to tell you that you're my fav and i like you!!!!! and when we were in [] i was like oh my gosh want to hold your hand i wan tot hold your hand so bad i want to kiss you on the cheek i want to kiss you on the mouth i want u to fuck me ohhh that's obscene but i love you sooo much and it's so romantic that you watched [] and like because i know u don't watch tv and its not the same thing as me [] cuz im a lowlife but like man. man. its bad. i lik you a lot . it's bad i like you a lottttt.
ANYWAYSSSS enough about that bullshit. messages OVR. it's totally unrequited by the way, for anyone wondering.... the question of the hour is do i redownload hinge this summer just to get the whole thing over with? my stupid stupid brain,i'm so freaking obsessed with [] if anyone else tries to talk to me i won't have it. whatever i only have 40 pages or so left in the chelsea whistle. and then i'll put together my presentation and then sleep and then wake up and pack and do the presentation and GO HOME. goodnight.... here's a poem to say farewell
MILES AWAY
by carol ann duffy
I want you and you are not here. I pause in this garden, breathing the colour thought is before language into still air. Even your name is a pale ghost and, though I exhale it again and again, it will not stay with me. Tonight I make you up, imagine you, your movements clearer than the words I have you say you said before.
Wherever you are now, inside my head you fix me with a look, standing here whilst cool late light dissolves into the earth. I have got your mouth wrong, but still it smiles. I hold you closer, miles away, inventing love, until the calls of nightjars interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain, into memory. The stars are filming us for no one.