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weirdly even as i spent fifteen minutes bleeding and cleaning up i still thought, it's not enough, even though i did enough to make up for the last few months of not doing it, and the reason i did it is really really lame.... maybe i just want to solidify that my body will never be wanted ever and im disgusting and that will never ever change. it's 1 in the morning and i regretted not taking my phone with me in the bathroom to take pictures. and i used up all of the paper towels and shoved the ones that were colored with blood all the way to the bottom of the trash can. but even taking pictures even writing on this stupid site is a kind of voyeurism as well, even though i don't know if anyone will ever read this, im still shouting to the world about what i do to myself,and it's still. not enough. but maybe this will last me for a few days if not the week. im going to do all that stupid bullshit like drink those drinks to keep myself alive. it's the same stuff they gave to me in the hospital down my nose into my throat. it makes me feel half alive,like im just barely sustaining myself. im tired now. i want to go to sleep. i want to be held and go to sleep forever. did i have a good halloween? did i do this last year too? i dont know what i was doing last year..... there's only one month left and im the "same". im doing the same things. im not living am i. this isn't life. but i dont want to get put away again, because i know even if im put away im going to get out and do the same things,so i cant even judge other people for not... sticking to it. because i am not sticking to anything. i like this school. i like my friends. i had a good weekend, and a good day, and everyone loves me, but not as much as i LOVE MY RAZOR, what?????? im not doing it because there is something wrong..... there's nothing wrong at all... i already hate this entry. idk. idk idk idk. im never going to fucking get laid in my life and ykw i hope i don't. this is so stupid. everything is so fucking stupid and im so tired. when will i find someone that wants to hold me? the reason is so,so so so so so stupid. im ridiculous i cant even believe myself Lmao. but here we are anyways. and if anyone is reading this i have never wanted help in my entire fucking life even though i hate this i have never wanted help. i want one thing, we know what it is, i only want one thing..... how many more milligrams of shit can they put me on? "im sorry i messed up can you forgive me?" "did you check the mail can you forgive me?" "im sorry i did that im sorry im sorry im sorry." i'm sorry. how is it that i wind up taking care of everyone and no one takes care of me? how old do i have to act??? im going to have to take care of people forever and im gonna be apologized to forever and im gonna do the same fucking thing ever g time. It is not going to change. HOW MANY YEARS?????!!!!! HOW MANY YEARS APHELIOS?????????? Hahahahahshs. okay. i thought about calling someone you know. i really thought about it, at this hour calling someone saying i don't have enough paper towels and i need actual bandages, though it's not deep at all(something i have to get better at) it's just. a lot. to compensate for how i can't go very deep. x=x baby, im going to be smelling the blood on my hands for as long as i live, and even if you love me back or i love anyone or anyone loves me ever, im going to do this, im going to wish and wait for the same thing, happy birthday happy new year and suddenly another year has passed me by.... have i been awake the last few weeks at all? have i known what the fuck is going on? i kept thinking this isn't enough cuz it didn't wake me up. i think that's what i wanted. it's what i wanted in the first place and the second thing the other reason is because.you know. hahahaha i just keep laughing at how ridiculous this situation is, im not gonna tell u guys cuz its really fucking LAME ?!!!!! i need. actual bandages.. maybe they have them at 7-11....... wowowowow. here we are. and good night. woah you're really wet down there, there, i know i can get really wet when im turned on like this, i can get even wetter for you just for you!!! just for you i!!!!!! it's just funny. i found it funny last time it will never not be funny for me. im going to go back to reading books lol. and eating, and reading books, and making my own way, and taking care of fucking everyone,every single person i've ever known has needed to be taken care of. and there's no point to having parents OR a lover..... because no one fucks me like me and no one can do it as well as i can. god i really do like him. probably the same thing for someone else would hit harder if i told them. why can't i be okay? why did it hit for me at all? im fucking tired...... im just, tired. let me find a poem to say goodnight with bc i love poetry at least that much is true:
a snippet from sampson starkweather Sometimes, like right now, when snow has muted the world, I can hear the sound of your sadness, a small bird flailing in the grass, one wing making a useless music, and sometimes circumstance is the victim. There are certain silences only those who have suffered can know, what Coleridge called "the secret ministries of frost." They make a lake between us, an untouchable body. Misunderstanding is more than a language we've mastered -it's a life. This will go on until there is no more ground between us, until we're entwined in incessant falling. Things break. This is the first law of any beauty. Gravity. The way islands are made. I am the list of things you will break. I'm not really trying to tell you anything; I just wanted you to hear the sound of being alone, oh yeah, and the snow is deep and bright.