250522
all the time i want to write one of these the way i'd speak to a lover, i feel crazy because i have these urges i want to call someone baby or take care of them like you know urges you'd have for that kind of person.in your life. and im going to the hospital tomorrow so the reality of how close i am to maybe getting that for myself is clear, very far away....! im not processing it cuz i know its been a long time coming. i just want this all to be over.... i feel like i am crazy, which is to mean i feel like my thoughts are illogical and out of control and everyone's pointing and laughing at me, thinking wow i hope after this life gets easier! and even before i go i feel it's still naive. it could get easier but ive thought that many times about many things and nothing did. none of those things were literally a fucking hospital and round the clock care but Hey lol... obviously this stuff can go wrong too!! always waiting for the worst to happen, KNOWING my brain will default to the worst, knowing i'll miss the sickness..... it's just exhausting i wish i could focus on getting better like without all the stuff on the side. Just feel kind of like betrayed almost or disappointed bc i keep waiting for recovery to be this super life changing amazing thing and it's not ever. and it's like no one told me how agonizing this shit actually is but ahhhhfjj i guess no one tells me anything!!!!! anyways whatever that's all for this entry,i don't have much to say, besides that i am indeed being locked up for a short period of time