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i wonder if cancelling the trip reservation among other things is. something that i would ostensibly regret later on... if there's a later on,where i feel better i think Ah i wish it could happen. but then i would remember what i really want what ive always wanted is to be laid down in eternal rest. Everything feels so small compared to that desire.that emptiness is very strange because just last week i was listing reasons why im still alive. a question asked so clinically i had to list things off like bullet points..: my cat, my fish, my friends,but i know they will be okay. i don't feel like anything needs me to be okay. because all i do is mess everything up..... even when i have a good day i mess it up with those kind of impure thoughts. i can't have anything good ever. i don't even want to run this by anyone because they'll say ah but you want to go and you're looking forward to it. the prospect of it being messed up upset you so much....but in a way i have made my peace with that and it not existing in the way i want it to. there are many reasons. and i,wonder if it was. never meant to work out anyways. i even know myself that i was looking forward to it..i did all that work to plan..... but it feels so so so small now and so far removed from me. from the me that exists in this moment and what i want. im just so exhausted. the way ive been framing my suicidality in these stupid fucking evals feels wrong now too. that what makes me the most suicidal is when im upset or blinded by that emotion to think rationally about what it is i want.but i was upset earlier and what i felt wasn't this at all. i wrote about it because it was so new and foreign to me that i could feel that insanely crashed out because something i truly wanted a future for was no longer a possibility... it was completely different.. now its like my exhaustion is a void sucking everything in. and i just don't fucking care about anything. im not upset right now at all. i cant feel anything except a tiredness so acute i know it is much deeper than being caused by having a long day or not sleeping. and it won't be remedied by sleep either. the only thing that can cure me is salvation,and real true rest,that i won't experience anything in, i don't want anything at all.... now that it's clear no one else wants this i don't feel like.i need to keep up pretenses. it really is the abilene paradox .i knew from the beginning and all it is now is. something keeping me from what i want. i don't want to cancel it because im going to kill myself im. it is so that i can do it. once i get rid of everything then i can really,really do it. i know i am also not going to. its silly im writing this out for that purpose. i just dont know what the prevention is for. i cant be selfish... i cant be selfish..... and do one thing for myself... im so fucking tired..i'm going to sleep....