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i i have never cut myself to focus on the pain before in a concious way like i am making the decision to focus my thoughts because i can't stop thinking and im hungry Like a gnawing creature eating away at me i can't think. i can't.do anything i need to admit myself to the hospital. [] keeps saying [] are shocked i haven't been in the hospital yet,that the psych ward actually helped, god i have never cut myself like this befor e it's always about control. it is always about not overlapping and precise lines because i need to feel in control. i've never gone over and over and over and over and over and not thinking and even when i felt, in my brain, i was ready to clean up, i was still gripping my knife and gripping my leg so hard i was shaking, i needed to get rid of it and even now im trying to get rid of it im trying to be at peace. It is crazy to have exactly three desires: peace love and happiness and it never comes. There is nothing i can do and god please if you hear me. i was done and i put my pants back on,i put them on i put on my clothes over the wound without dressing it because it will hurt more it'll bleed through i can focus on that instead of anything, and lord i couldn't close my knife i sat in the light of my phone gripping that fucking knife with an intensity i have never experienced i always feel calm i always wrap up and feel calm i couldnt get it to close. i was pressing so hard but it would not close on itself and i felt like a slave to it like a fucking dog on a leash being pulled by a force i have no control.There was nothing i could do and if i i didn't get it to close i would have kept going. preoccupied with bleeding through my sheets,with bleeding, it's not about the blood for me i read a study earlier about the reasons people self harm and
for me it's like this:
control
control
to be clean
a spiritual cleansing
a reminder i am human and inhuman
so that's why. those are my reasons.typing this out is helping and i feel crazy because it is 5:55am i haven't stayed up this late in months. it was getting better,.but my dreams were so disgusting and scary i hate that conduit,i dont want to sleep, i dont want to see it and be spoken to it makes me scared. god i wish i was loved in a way that was being loved for me.love without any expectation or conception and just me as i exist. No adjectives just the now. the present actions every day,but that will never happen, it wont,because i am crazy i am not real i will never be real,your own personal salvation,ohhhh what the fucking hell it's no( fair . Crossroads .its whatever.... and what i need is the feeling of the keyboard on my hands,so that this has more weight but i haven't opened my laptop in a week.i got a controller to play my games but i haven't. everything makes me sick im sick im sick im sick im sick im sick im sick i love you im sick im sick.
The eternal question of Wanting. people wanting me,wanting something out of me, ohhh it is disgusting why can't you agree with the way i speak about myself? no more contradictions i cant handle it.m because no one has seen my body the way i see it every day the sheer fucking mutilation and,by making my own truth realer, to make it more real, the "Want" becomes its own lie its own form. Another me that doesn't exist. so through this process.....i am nothing, i am not real, i don't know how this is going to scar,it does not hurt enough and i am not tired but i need to go to sleep. i don't fucking care.everyone treats me like i am a dog to be kicked for fun because i bounce back every time like it's some bit i am really committed to and the bit is self flagellation the bit is a masochistic set of compulsions i can't get rid of the bit is everyone i know,everything ive been through, i just want to be free! i want to be free! all three (3) of my desires can now be sublimated: I WANT TO BE FUCKING FREE
it's a mistake. it is a huge mistake because i know i like him,i know im weak to that, weak to the knowledge we are similar and hey dont i live in your head? im beautiful and i live in your head and youre beautiful god so fucking beautiful, but we live in eachothers heads. asking asking asking not saying a word. asking.asking. hello? can i see you,? To know you......to... it's a mistake. everything i cant have,and absolutely not this, he is a construct,the current Idea simply takes His form. And god i will never fucking get it. to know.. to
I love the conversations we have
after making love—of course it’s just me, making
love to myself, talking to you,
loving you—though I do not really
know you, so I guess not loving you—
craving the dream of knowing you.
“When will I be able to scream with you?!”
I moan. “I am screaming, I am screaming,” I moan, very
quiet. [...] I want
to go with you
somewhere I have not
been—and just lie, in a bed
for days, sometimes eat, sometimes
swim, I am so tired of not looking at you,
I want to gaze at you with a day-long
gaze. The barriers down! The doors off their
hinges! After coming, and coming,
as if with you, I miss you more.
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/159809/to-you-from-your-secret-admirer
我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我有病我愛你!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!