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it's june and i have had the same down comforter on my bed since like late december. obviously it's been washed im not disgusting, point being even when it is farrrr from freezing outside anymore it is more work for me to switch to sheets (or even a lighter blanket) than cope with this overly warm massive heavy pile of fabric on my futon. Like okay. my window is open for the breeze.... in a way the comforters prolonged stay is so that i can have the breeze and the breeze is so that the comforter can prolong its stay. whatever. it's still really fucking warm under it lol. tooo warm to wear a tshirt so in vain i attempted to sleep topless but that started sucking immediately within 2 minutes of laying there sitting in the existence of my boobs which tbh is weird because? they're always there? so why does not having a shirt on make them More there i don't know! it's so fucking stupid i only have one tank top. And it's in the wash. because i hate how tank tops look on me (in public) i only wear it to sleep, which actually makes me feel good cuz it highlights the parts of me that i want to highlight and i don't feel very girl i just feel like okay cool mildly sexy transsexual way to go to sleep and i Do Not have anything on my chest! but its in the wash.. so here i am like a fucking dumbass going through my clothes trying to debate if it's normal to wear a sports bra to bed. I'm sure some people do idk. but it is really not comfortable to wear something with stiff straps for a prolonged period of time and then we are back to the issue of what the point of a bra even is in the first fucking place and now i hate myself again and want to die. why is it so hard to just go to sleep in the summer? why don't i switch out my comforter for a lighter blanket so that this isn't even an issue at all? whatever. I don't care. i like wearing my one tank top. i actually found another one which does not fit nearly as well but i found one so it's fine. jesus fucking christ. why is my whole life just a cycle of making myself suffer, there are so many fucking solutions here and it's like you're still....... in your room... alone........ soooo alone....!!!!!!! keep thinking about what you really want, and what you think about and imagine every day, oh i want someone to see me wearing this and think wow he looks good and his waist is small and he's asleep and i want to [REDACTED] [REDACTED] [REDACTED] murmuring to myself ahh you're such a teaseeee! you're suuuuuuch a tease! fuck man. I'm so tired. Worst ways of making myself feel better that are actually just making me feel worse every single fucking time. why don't you want to read your yearbook messages? christ, i can't break my living fantasy that no one loves me and im alone because no one loves me and i have no other choice and im here because i have no one, dude, if i read it ill see that people do love me and feel WORSE that im alone because........ whatever... i don't even care!
It's just awful. Like what an awful miserable way to end these last 4 years to end this year to end the middle of june. i spent a solid three minutes yesterday cleaning blood off my thigh with a paper towel. i didn't even realize how much there was until i felt it dripping down and realized if i went to sleep it would get on my bed through my shorts and i am realllyyyyy tired of bleeding through my fucking clothes so i just sat there cleaning off my leg. i even put bandaids of which i have sumikko gurashi and strawberry shortcake, trust me i think the coquettification of self harm is extremely fucking lame like you are cutting yourself please get real but i wanted to sleep so it was necessary to put them on. and well i did feel a little bit cute about it but mostly gross. because i didn't end up feeling better at all. the method of "feeling better" just made it worse, I laid down and my thoughts were jumping around like rubber bands, i don't even know why i felt so awful....... im worse than my friends at everything... but its just a game...... im bad at comforting people who are suicidal... why do suicidal people keep talking to me?? isn't that crazy in itself? jesus fucking christ you're in the water throwing a god damn life guard inflatable down to some motherfucker who is also in the water! what the hell do you want me to do?? i can't help you not drown? you're going to fucking pull me further? so should i tell you to do it so i can be left alone???? Okay. so i was upset about that. I don't know it was just stupid. like everything is just so fucking stupid and i still want to die! is there anything in my last entry worth updating on? hold on..
i finished modu and also two other danmei! I can do it and Don't you like me? which were both really sweet TT i really enjoyed icdi because league lol but then dylm was just. really cute and very very fluffy and i didn't reallly gag at any point at all! because it was a lot of flirting and not a lot of heartfelt romancey confession so it was ok. i keep thinking, when will i flirt with someone and everything and all that and [REDACTED] but god. you have such a long fucking way to go. There's so much shit wrong with you like truly just messed up and bent the wrong way it's not going to happen for a long time you're not even really a boy you're not really even anything. no one wants to date someone who goes into the bathroom to dissociate and cut themselves to the point of actually needing to clean up afterwards just for sillies bc why can't you just talk to people??!2@2!3&(! UGHGGHHgghhh okay. okayyyyyy. okay. everything hurts. everything smells like metal. it's gross and metallic and some of it is blood and some of it in my mind is the razor blade. i can't tell. i can't tell. i'm bleeding from so many places. so many of my clothes. i can't tell anything i don't know what's going on i want someone stronger than me to hold me until i stop. tomorrow hopefully i can finally get weed and i won't have to think like this anymore, ill just be able to go to sleep, really i never used to enjoy being high and in a way i still don't! the first time i hit my cart by myself in a while in my room (alone) i tried cutting myself anyways so what the fuck even fucking matters but anyways it's just. It's easier to go to sleep. Alllll i wanted to to in the first place was just go to sleep!!!! oh my god! goodnight!!!!! i'm sorry i keep talking about this! good night!!!!!!!!!!