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I think everyone has to have a case of diarhea at least once every 4 years just to keep down their egos. it is truly a humbling experience feeling liquid shit drip down the inside of your legs, just a mere step away from the toilet.. ah... it was seriously awful..... so i was reading in bed. mo du by priest. somehow every time i have a break from social media i get a new hobby, i didnt think i would ever turn back to cn novels, but anyways. i was reading and i got the feeling like i needed to use the bathroom, not an uncommon occurence. my stomach was fucked the whole day. i was sick so of course everything in my body has to stop working from a slight cold. but before this i was able to have miso soup, a full bowl! rare! and the majority of a small pizza. i thought, "surely this is a sign of my recovery" like an idiot who isnt also of a weak constitution and has serious issues all the time, let me go to the bathroom and have a normal experience after a warm meal. if only someone could have shot me through my window at that moment. taking my reading material i went over. i didnt sit down immediately, i felt the feeling increase, and there was my mistake... it was more than just air.... i realized after a sensation unfamiliar to me but at this point it was too late. Actually it had been so long in my life that god bestowed upon me the issue of having liquid shit i didnt clock it. So there i am in the bathroom, something dripping onto the floor streaking a path down my leg, it was so disgusting i truly wanted to end my life there. i was so ashamed. like i didn't even want to call for help, even though i personally was a little bewildered on how to clean this up, it was such a disgraceful scenario i wanted to just die. so both my shorts and underwear come off. im emptying my bowels into the toilet trying to clean up the immediate damage off my leg with the toilet paper. wetting it in the sink i also cleaned the floor, but toilet paper is of course not made for this purpose, so i had to use a lot since it kept dissolving. god my ass was so wet. there was no solids. i wished i at least had a bidet. i must have flushed at least five times in this whole ordeal. now at least after my diligent work i no longer looked like there was fecal matter pouring uncontrollably from my asshole but i still felt that way. there was still a slight stench, i just felt like i was covered in filth, and after wallowing in this sensation i remembered previous methods of care in my childhood when this thing would happen. so we had a handheld shower for a reason after all. i went to the other bathroom holding my dripping wet bottoms (i had stuck them in the sink and did a quick rinse) in only my tshirt (which thankfully went down to my knees) and locked myself in the shower. now with soap and a clean stream of water did i finally feel better mentally about the whole thing. hung my clothes up to dry out. with some shame i trecked back to my room and put on clean pajamas. it struck me that my meal from earlier had all gone to nothing- that was more than i had eaten at once in quite some time- now i was empty again..... whatever. that was yesterday. I got barely any sleep.
stayed up until 2 reading, half out of some (understandable) fears i would shit myself again in my sleep, but i was also legitimately engrossed in mo du's child trafficking arc. it was a little too creepy for me to put down fully and also too creepy for me to read for long stretches, so it was interspersed with visits to fei du/ luo wenzhou ao3 and danmei subreddit to find more stuff for me to read later. we already know this but god i really do hate slow burn. ive finished another arc since last night and fei du has gotten with wenzhou, but i couldnt help but feel unfulfilled.. like their romance made about as much sense as the crimes they solved. loooking back there is some obvious chemistry. the flirting made me so upset i really did need to go to ao3 to stop feeling like i was being edged. and i love them both a lot, fei du lowkey me irl LOL? but anyways. so all of priests novels are like this. sha po lang is on my list from her, but also unrelated there is an artist that does mo du fanart that mostly also draws for qiang jin jiu so ill look at that too. idk. am i stupid? there is really something "missing" from their relationship that isnt doing it for me? like i need them to say the exact reason they like eachother you know. theyre normal adults in a normal world, both queer, so after some flirting and escalation it makes sense the next step is to be in a relationship, but there is really not enough Talking about whats going on for me to feel like its okay. i can see the differences in how wenzhou acts around fei du and vice versa and come to the logical conclusion theyve developed feelings.. lol.... whatever then. im sure that there will be enough scenes with them as a couple for me to feel like there is a point after all. mo du is the kind of thing i want to reread directly after finishing it, because i dont understand some details about the crimes ( maybe this will be cleared up when i finish) but idk. theres so much and i really do like it a lot. we'll see.
there was other stuff that i wanted to talk about like clairos new song, league.my feelings about graduating, overall yearning and (unhinged) levels of desire at the end of the year..... but it is really difficult for me to sit here and write for much longer. even now i have gotten up a few times because i get a legitimate physiological reaction every time my bladder or stomach sends a signal down there. i realllyyy dont want to poop myself again man. and since that cleanse of my insides yesterday which was distinctly less cathartic than throwing up, i havent been able to eat much either. i wanted to eat a lot during the day and find snacks. i dont usually graze like that so i attributed it to the utter lack of substance in my gut. i hope that ill be able to have dinner (udon in soup!) (i am still sick) (feeling worse and better somehow) and it can stay down. or well yeah stay down just not tooooo far down lol.. idk. i wanted to solo queue or play a different game or even watch a video but my head is too heavy to do anything more than writing or reading. jesus fucking christ i also cant imagine luo wenzhou as anyone other than taku sd and fei du having a vaguely towa vibe.. i need to draw them so that i can free myself...... okay that's all! i don't have a poem, i'll just say farewell~