240205
i said i didn't want to talk to anyone until february and i was right, i think everything is going to go wrong soon and i just want to be held at the end of the day so what's the point of talking to people if they aren't going to hold me! i'm actually glad i started smoking because like god damn. well no this makes zero sense. i like getting high while im dissociated because they kind of cancel out and i can forget about the dissociation and just be high. i can be high instead of worse things like cutting myself which i guess is not worse it's just more permanent because i was feeling down my thighs the other day and i though wow, these really are like railroad tracks! i have no clue what was wrong with me in december. Genuinely zero idea bc today i cut myself (wanted to smoke but it is really late) because i wanted to feel better and get something out. like this process. of being vented to and not given an opportunity to do it back. so there's stuff inside that has to be let out but in december i wasn't even fucking speaking to anyone bro. I was cutting up just to do it and it was pretty stupid. No i was neurotic and i still am but what the heck dude! anyways i'm just reallyyy tired and i don't even think i want someone to let me vent to them i just want someone to hold me. I don't even have anything to say i just want it to be quiet for once in my life ever literallkyyy fucking ever i want it to be quiet and i just want to be held and be warm and we don't have to say a single thing... that's all