240107
yesterday i put on a takashi miike movie after dinner (first love) and after it was over i slipped down the stairs, got up and then fainted in the hallway. okay. it's been snowing slash raining slash sleeting the whole weekend and i wanted to go out and buy a new sketchbook but because the weather is shit and because literally neither of the two trains by my house are running i ended up not doing that. i really enjoyed first love and i ended up on letterboxd for two hours reading through hardcore miike fans ranked lists of all of his movies (over a hundred) which was crazy. I think i really want to watch more. they seem really up my alley and ive known about ichi the killer for quite some time it is on my list. my taste is pretty fucking weird tbh i dont know why i love grotesque over the top hyperviolence (have been thinking about the villainess for like three years) but also calm lovely slice of life like dialogue heavy random shots of the sky cinematography typeof stuff or something that would do well to be scored by joe hisaishi. past lives was pretty good and i love ocean waves sooooo much..then i will go and turn around and put onsomething completely different. it's the contrast that makes it impossible for me to recommend the same movies to the same people in earnest because they legitimately wont like one or the other. Like i wouldn't recommend first love to most of anyone i know just cuz that shit was wild. my dad came into my room today and asked for more miike recs and based off the lists i was reading his older movies are a lot more insane and a lot more homoerotic.. i just sent him the links to audition and gozu because those seemed like safe bets. relatively. im shocked i even got him into miike because man this shit is niche.not even niche like quirky but just niche in terms of who the fuck even watches this and enjoys it. the only reason i even found first love, aside from lurking along the "related films" section under the villainess was bc its japanuary and AND okay so for the last week i watched two korean movies two american ones and... a single japanese movie. Im not doing the best on that front but i hope i can catch up. I badly so badly need to see funeral parade of roses and tokyo story and like ANY ozu movie. WHAT the fuck why am i into film.like to me this is a point i thought i would never reach half because it's lame and half because i never anticipated having this amount of free time to watch movies or read about movies or stalk letterboxd cuz im too busy running my mouth online........lol... BUT I made it. If only 13 year old me could have a look at who i have become LMFAOOO. i want to also rewatch girl with a dragon tattoo i have no idea why i saw that at such a young age. i dont know if it's even on netflix anymore so like.whatever;;
Hate to continue paralelling my past entries but im trying to download slow damage illegally now. and you may be thinking well if it doesnt work because of the integrated graphics issue why would the copy that you fucking PAID 25 DOLLARS FOR FROM JAST USA be any different from the copy that i had to actually make an account on a website people literally only use to talk about eroge but not the cute eroge like actual fucking weird porn eroge LIKE the color scheme of the site was black and red type of porn community, be any different. Look i am just stupid okay. okay? i dont know but i still want to try. if it really is my laptop after all then i wont try again but i miss towa.And god ive lost a lot of shame on my journey throughout the internet to try and torrent my shit man. so it's like might as well. I have to say that aforementioned site was pretty fucking deplorable and i deleted my account less than a minute after i got my dl link bc first of all, color scheme. massive red flag. Then i saw they had a fucking section of the site to make deepfakes and then i was like ok this is some real gross shit. of course my curiosity got the better of me and i opened their forums and the titles of the posts were just.....blegh. that's enough of that now. Honetsly not even sure where i got that link from, since i have this stuff just sitting in a seperate window from whenever i went on my original journey to find torrents, but i surely will not try that again. Now. NOw okay if this doesnt work im going back to my cutesifyl site. aarinfantasy the goat. Im going to just fucking give up on getting the english tl version. yup i refuse because it was pretty bad anyways and god i should have just been playing the jp one from the beginning........... like it was getting to the point where i had a better idea of what was really going on, what the characters were like and such, from the voice acting and i can barely (not barely tbh im amateur.) (kind of barely) understand jp as it is. Thats probably a bad sign no? fuck you jast. ok LOL. BUT see the issue with getting the jp version is just like, then there is a whole other set of shit for me to figure out like using machine tlers and like IDK IDK i already have all those links (again in my yaoi window) and it probably wont be that bad because i have a general understanding of the process from dling lamento (by far the most inaccesible game i have probably ever tried to play in my entire life but at least it had a fanpatch idk how machine tls work at all for vn) yeah no it's, whatever. man the file is stuck in MEGA right now because its lke 5.5gb and the free limit for mega is 5.. so they were like wait six hours for it to finish or pay!!!!!!! bitch get a fuckin grip. I am not doing that. I can wait.
now that my work, my real work, is kind of manageable then i should think about stuff like a reward. and compiling my fav poems from 2023 since it IS 2024 now and i didnt make a new years post because i very very very temporarily got back online. i also wasn't really doing much on new years besides sipping champagne lonelily in the corner of a room and yearning for a cigarette. towa who? lol. fuck i miss my fucking game oh my god. ok. but the poem thing is pretty difficult since 2023 was the year i got in the real practice of buying poetry mags and collections, so i cant just create links to them so easily the way i did last year. Im glad things are done though i can start penpalling again, i hope! i just really need to go out and buy a new sketchbook and letter paper. I could use looseleaf but like, gross man. cmon.
it's times like these where im sitting on my bed alone on my laptop writing freely about yaoi and movies and all the other random shit i do in my life (like fainting now?, smoking, and work) that i really question whether or not i ever want to return to the internet through social media. It's horrible isnt it and this is peaceful. Oh my god a friend that ive been "ghosting" invited me to his birthday party and told me he really missed me and we actually talked for a bit. i apologized but he wasn't mad at all, it was as if we had just been in contact the normal amount for the past 3 months and i didnt strategically stop speaking to most of our mutual friends and most of everybody and stop attending to the responsibilties we share and just idk. I guess not everything has to be super complicated. it's obviously one situation out of many, but sometimes stuff happens and you think wow imagine everything worked like that! I'm always expecting to be yelled at i think or to be the object of someone elses rage so i invite it because it feels sort of normal. its like okay clearly not. whatever man.Im chilling! yeah.