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ive been keeping track of the dates as just how many days before and after white day it is. I have no idea why i think my brain is just programmed like a gacha game bc white day is not even a thing in the us im so used to games having white day events...
things not really going the best! im like legit failing chem. which i kind of knew would happen and i have failed classes before so i dont really know why this is hitting me so bad! Bc i actually enjoy the subject first of fucking all i love it and find it so facinating and the fact im actually doing so terribly just hurts.And the way i know exactly why im doing bad, i dont super put in effort or do the recommended work or anything... like i dont have to. but i know i should and i kind of do have to lol!?!>/ IN that sense whenever i do work its not serious I am never actually trying to learn i dont know if its my fault or it I legit just cannot......sometimes i do feel like i retain the knowledge. And i think it is ok but i still do badly! I studied for my midterm but even that I didnt reach my goals I did notes and whatnot, the fact i did this small amount that was for real and got a decent grade was So so good. Like i was really happy about it! At the end of the day it is my fault i cant do this work or bruteforce my way through it, like some innate fucking issue and i also srs just dont understand stuff sometimes its so frustating I dont know why im even in a twist about it. I do not even really care but its like ok so this is important.. for my future......and its more of a reflection on my character !the way i handle things or cant handle things and how selfish i am, like just genuine dysfunction and this crazy unavoidable drive to just not fucking improve at all ??? This way of . not getting better. or not being able to get better is just me. Like authentic my real true self cuz ive been stagnant for fucking years in so much that is more than just school. It's like oh ok u dont gaf and i knowww its technically more than that and its like, shit man, depression is fucking real! but that is not the point! U cant live like that?i wont be able to live like that. to take care of myself. To take care of fucking anything man. And that really just hurts to think about or to be told since i know it is so obvious about me, to be so flippant and openly apathetic like fuck man that is literally my life and i cant do anything!
I have been wanting to change for 3 years. Ive been wanting to get better for so long. It is so hard to not blame myself for pushing all help away but i want someone so badly, to reach out and stick with me because they want to, or if this prolonged garbage fire spiral is one massive test to everyone i meet seeing if they will actually do that! whatever. nice to get this all out at least. My pasta might be done boiling so let me check real quick and ill return
had lunch. What else was i going to talk about OH yeah ive deleted twt and instagram because i planned to kill myself this afternoon but stuff came up (i was too tired and afraid) Fuckk im really not doing well. Not in the position to be on social media really but always love to talk so we are back to this trusty blog. Ive had repeating visions of sunflowers and the dark ocean. if i manage it i want to paint a huge sunflower so many of them over and over on a lot of small canvases and fill the entire room. God i just want to be surrounded by art all the time im so unhappy what do i do!1 going to transfer all my entries from my physical notebook/diary to this blog bc i want to get rid of that thing its been two years oh my god? chapter 15 of in pieces is up dudeee OK ive been reading this blp fic and it's just so crazy i love the writing so much ive. been thinking a lot about things. yuka has this monologue or i guess just a part of yuka's narration that i really deeply understood or resonated w. The layout of the fic is interesting too since it does change pov but its more like we are just going inside their heads and seeing everything everywhere (all at once) (LOLLLL) but yeah:
When Yuka left home right before debut, the last thing his parents had said was, Why? How did you turn out like that? We let you do whatever you please, and yet—Why? How? And only years and years later was he able to find an answer, finding himself and Yatora with roles reversed from their teenage years: Yatora leaned forward against his own knees, both of them sitting on a park bench and soaked in the pouring evening rain, no words said but everything understood in how Yatora had stared down at the palms of his hand, radiating heartbreak with such quiet ferocity that Yuka had thought about her parents for the first time in almost a decade. The terrible anger she had felt that night towards her parents, but also the same heartbreak at their hands, because: You don’t know how hard I had to work to just do whatever I please. You don’t know how hard I had to work to be able to stomach this—to tell myself I deserve this much, that I’d rather die than be what everyone else wants me to be— and not want to throw up from how much easier it would be if I just gave in. You don’t know how hard I had to be loved— by grandma, by myself, by the goddamn world— to make up for how you hadn’t loved me.
wowww! that is my whole struggle isnt it! Im not going to go into it i only feel like im always in this process of trying to do what i want which feels fucking crazy because why god am i even struggling with this, but yuka has always been a character that i saw parts of myself in or felt drawn to Tbh..And not someone who i will even admit to relating to bc i could not really put it into words so thank god writers exist! every time i read something im like fucking WOW. i didnt even know it was possible to articulate this thing. Ik people can write by describing images in their head and thats how i write (creatively not essays ) (love essays)( the way i love to run my mouth is completely different from any skill at actual writing though) I just love love love this so much. i love things more when they help me figure out things about myself or help me decide or guide my life at all,like haikyuu or the other blp fic (Owe my life to user cityboys ao3. Oh fuck i found her writing blog. Ill come back to it when this entry is over) Yeah....yeah! i like in pieces for other reasons its more like a reflection. of everything. Myself and things ive gone through and the future. If there was a spectrum of like, art to writing i would be farrr down the art side......I can write sometimes sure but there has to be this very specific balance of the Image in my head and the Words i have to describe it. That rarely happens. So i would rather describe how the image looks in a way that i can understand to draw later vs embellishing it for other people to percieve? OK! i have been on this for so long im closing out this fucking entry!!!!
I do love to talk:3 idk what ill do now. Paint later and now i suppose read aforementioned fic blog!! AND make a post of all the fics i love most because yeah ive been meaning to compile it.. Love&peace we r out